I used to fake orgasms with men and women. I was in my 20s and 30s, but still. I didn’t feel safe to ask for what felt good, or what I wanted or liked. So I went along with the other person and faked it. Even with sex I had learned to mask aspects or parts of me.

But let’s be honest-everyone fakes orgasm at one time or another (or most times) in their lives. As an Autistic person who has struggled with knowing the intentions of others, particularly men, when it came to sex I used to fake a lot of things.

My friend Jude Morrow and I were talking about this prior to my recent interview on his podcast, Neurodiversity Gold and how faking orgasm for neurodivergent individuals, can be a form of masking.

I agree 100%. But why do we do this? Why do we feel like we have to “fake”, hide, or mask anything in the first place, including aspects of our sexual desires, pleasure, and even orgasm?

I attribute this to the neuro-majority making up rules around what is socially and sexually “normal.” As a result, it has indeed impacted many humans, neurodivergent humans included, to think that we have to mask, hide, and even fake things to “fit in” socially AND sexually. By the way, did you know that the act of trying to “fit in” is part of sympathetic arousal in the autonomic nervous system? It’s actually a trauma response.

Back to masking and sex. This topic really isn’t about being neurodivergent. This topic is more about everyone needing to work through their discomfort with talking about sex and sexuality, intimacy and connection. Sex isn’t the problem, per se. It’s how we view, talk about, think about and act when it comes to the topic of sex.

But what if as a society we were all more curious about engaging in the conversation about sex, including neurodivergence and sex? What if we openly explored our biases and fears surrounding sex, discussed myths and truths around sex and allowed people to ask for and talk about what they desire, want, need, related to intimacy and sex in relationships? What if during all those years of having consensual sex, men didn’t just focus on getting off, but instead took the time to ask me what I liked, wanted, enjoyed, and what brought ME pleasure, I wouldn’t have felt like I had to do it “their way” to fit in including, faking orgasm. Perhaps I wouldn’t have felt like I had to hide or mask the part of me that really enjoys touch, sensuality and yes, sex and orgasm.

If we can each be more curious as we connect with one another, if we can each have more compassion and even get creative in how we talk about and explore topics of sex, perhaps we will find that we each are more similar than different when it comes to our wants, needs, and desires sexually. Perhaps if we can practice curiosity, connection, compassion and courage around the topic of sex, adding in a spark of sexual creativity as we explore openly we won’t feel like we have to hide or mask parts of ourselves.

Thankfully I am with someone who shares this with me so that we can be our authentic selves inside and out of the bedroom. I wish that for everyone and I know that is possible if we all feel safe to take off our masks, especially when it comes to talking about or having sex.

XO,

C~