It’s not a secret that sex is taboo. Because of the social and religious views that have pervasively permeated through every culture, hardly anyone wants to talk about sex. And yet, when parents and loved ones find out that their child, teen or partner is either viewing it or worse, has become addicted to pornography, there is a social uproar followed by outreach, conferences, podcasts, news articles, social media posts and organizations pop up everywhere in an effort to address and “prevent” this social epidemic.
But, why do people view porn in the first place?
Some are curious about sex, some accidentally stumble across it and notice that physiologically it feels good to view it, particularly when they masturbate. Others have viewed it since it was paper porn and when the internet arrived, it became a free-for-all. Some view it because it is unconsciously a trauma replication/repetition (way they replicate trauma in an attempt to master it), especially the more dangerous and violent porn. Some view it instead of trying to make attempts at being in a vulnerable and intimate human relationship. The false sense of connection that porn gives some people may feels safer than the risk of being rejected (vulnerable, having unknown expectations) by another human in a real relationship. I have heard all of these reasons over the past decade from my clients who seek support for pornography addiction.
Being intimate with someone can be really scary, especially for those of us who are autistic. This is because of 1) our histories of being rejected and/or bullied and judged by others we liked who treated us as deficient, odd, weird, strange, etc., 2) there are a lot of unknowns socially and sexually, including with regards to communication and expectations. The latter is something that everyone may find challenging, not just autistic adults-we are just willing to acknowledge it more openly. In reality, many people, autistic people included, want to be with someone…we want our “person.” The rewards, I think, outweigh the risks, if we can be open to our distinct differences and willing to be curious with compassion to connect with one another’s differences, void of judgment or contempt.
I would rather explore the conversation of sex with my partner who I trust than having him (or I) turn to pornography (or other things-video games, social media, chatrooms, other people).
How do we do that?
1) We have to learn to be comfortable to be who we are with another person. How do we do this? It takes both people accepting one another via demonstrating compassion towards our differences and also acknowledging our similarities. Our differences may include neurodivergence, histories of trauma, upbringings, cultural and religious differences, to name a few. Our similarities may be hobbies and activities, movies/shows/music we like, our politics and education, where we like to travel. We may also have different views, likes, wants, needs desires around sex, and we may have similarities too.
2) We have to be willing to ask for what we want, need and desire non-sexually as much as sexually. By starting with asking for what we want, need, and desire with non-sexual topics, we can create safety in knowing that if/when we bring up something, it will likely be heard by the other person. This specifically takes both parties being willing to be curious and open to listening to one another and hearing each other’s points-of-view. I am not saying you have to agree with everything your partner says, but if you can be curious about what they are experiencing and extend compassion towards them for their experience including the parts of them that may have gotten activated, communication around anything, sex included, is possible.
3) We have to be willing to talk about the harder conversations (manage conflict) both non-sexually and sexually in relationships. Again, both people in the couplesship have to be willing to see that there may be parts of ourselves that react to things the other person says or does, but this isn’t ALL of who we are. I have a part that when I feel anxious and out of control, it shows up to try to control my environment and at times, Chris and what he is doing. When I feel this part of me come forward, I don’t want to connect-I want to control. I have befriended this part via my own therapy (IFS) so that it can soften back. This allows me to embody more self-compassion as well as have more curiosity and a desire to connect with Chris. This also creates more intimacy- when I am able to be more self-aware and Chris is able to be more self-aware and we can listen while demonstrating compassion and connection towards one another, we are better able to show up in this way for each other in the bedroom(via being curious, having compassion, wanting to connect and be vulnerable) as much as outside.
4) How you communicate is up to you and your partner. No one truly knows your same or mixed neurotype relationship better than you. Some people prefer in-person conversations, other people need to email or text to express themselves. Some couples prefer to chat while going on nightly walks, others like to chat while playing a video game together. This is up to you as long as you are willing to communicate. If communication is challenging altogether, you are not alone! I have had to learn to say a lot more in my relationship. Over the years I have gotten a lot better but in the past I would have full conversations inside my own head thinking I said things to Chris when I didn’t. This took me working through some of my fear of rejection and past trauma with former partners in my own therapy to be able to share more including ask for what I need non-sexually and sexually with Chris.
Talking about sex in our most intimate relationships doesn’t have to be taboo if we are willing to be curious about our own stories, histories, traumas, messages related to sex. All of these can be topics of conversation to share with your partner as you begin to form your own intimate connection as a couple related to how you want your sex life to look….which is completely up to the two of you. Making the topic of sex less taboo by creating a safe and consistent space to talk about it, similar to talking about other topics in your relationship, will help both of you feel more connected with one another non-sexually AND sexually in the long run.
C~